Home » Satire » Islam Must Be Reformed!

Islam Must Be Reformed!

By Ariadna Theokopoulos

Transcript of the Address to the Select Committee of (redacted) by (redacted).

Mr. President, Mr. Treasurer and Esteemed Colleagues,

I stand before you not as an executive but as a colleague willing to speak frankly. Mistakes have been made that must be acknowledged and confusion seems to have slowed our progress, which must be eliminated if we are to pick up the pace in our mission to make the world a better, safer place.

We are, to coin a phrase, standing on the shoulders of giants. We owe them the great accomplishments realized in reforming Christianity. To cite only a few highlights, the Protestant churches have yielded to so-called Christian zionism, a dependable ally if steered with care. We have had the support of such valuable assets as Jim Bakker, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and John Hagee.

Huge strides have been made in the Catholic Church as well, with the help of John Paul II, Benedict XVI (remember his Regensburg address) and now Francis (our younger brother). Francis has only just begun, but he has already declared that our Covenant stands unbroken and valid, not affected by any of Jeshua’s so-called teachings. He is modernizing the Catholic Church in the spirit of inclusion, lifting the stigma of homosexuality, sex outside marriage, concubinage and assorted long-standing Christian prejudices and taboos. He holds inter-faith services, the importance of which must not be underestimated: they are not mere intermissions in the Church’s regular activities, but fertile intromissions, to coin another phrase.

While it is easy for all of you to see that the reform of Christianity is proceeding apace everywhere (the Russian exception will be discussed by the next speaker), what seems to remain opaque to some of you is that the much needed reform of Islam must not follow the same template.

We must make a clear distinction between word and deed. While it is necessary to maintain our critical discourse of Islam (i.e., a religion of hate and bloodshed seeking to establish global supremacy — the Caliphate, oppressing women and homosexuals, I mean gays), it is equally necessary to avoid trying to support this discourse with quotations from the Khoran unless Islam is reformed to include a revised Khoran with serviceable quotes. The word, therefore, must await some deeds on our part, as I shall explain later.

We cannot deny we made important inroads in Islam: Wahhabism, the Takfiris, and IS are important milestones in changing not only Islam from the inside, but also the world’s perception of Islam. But a few beheadings, and even some massacres by any of those acronym groups derived from AlQaida, can be dismissed as “not representative of Islam,” and not backed by the Khoran.

Unlike the case of Christianity, where our goal of reform — carried out in the open — is to mold it in order to make it useful, the reform of Islam — to be undertaken covertly — has as its goal proving definitively that Islam is incompatible with peaceful co-existence, that nothing short of its eradication is safe for mankind.

The stumbling block is the Khoran. It is a tough task, I know, because the Khoran is seen as untouchable by Muslims, not amenable to editing. It has no Gospels with variations that can be dissected, no later versions (like the Scofield Bible). It is one solid, indivisible and immutable corpus.

Or is it?… You are creative people, I don’t need to give you directions, like “go and discover some kind of ‘Dead Sea Scrolls’ that contain the ‘original’ version of the Khoran. Make them compatible with what we inform the world that Islam really stands for.” But we need bibliography!

If you take anything away from my speech, let it be this:

Our reform of the Christian Church is to our reform of Islam what grooming a sheep for fleecing is to preparing it for slaughter.


7 thoughts on “Islam Must Be Reformed!

  1. My admiration for Pope Francis grows by leaps and bounds. Take the way he combines (1) great business sense (renting the Sistine Chappel for big buckes to a corporate shindig is a stroke of genius) with (2) great PR (the Vatican says the money will go to the Pope’s favorite charities, it’s all for the poor) and with (3) his concern for the preservation of the priceless Michelangelo murals inside it.
    About that concern:
    Let’s not be foolish and worry that the refined people from the Porsche club who will be dining and enjoying themselves there can do any damage. The damage is only done by the unwashed millions who traipse through just to gaze at the ceiling by the millions. The Pope is going to fix that: first he is restricting the number of visitors, later it will be by invitation only.
    A man of his time, the Pope!

  2. Interesting read but all i can see is Islam going down the already well trodden path that christianity has already done,crusades, inquistion,forced conversions,witch burning, religious dogmatic wars,oppression of women,dismissing as unbelievers as heretics and infidels,rejection of science,Islam is a young religion in comparison to christianity,they had a golden age of learning when west were warlike barbarian crusader states but now the Islamic world are now experiencing their dark age..

  3. The west is its own enemy,with the constant mantra,something must be done,the strongmen of middle east kept the lid on the violent takfiri elements,there wasn’t al qaeda in Iraq when Saddam ruled but of course the the western world had to put their size 12 boots in,’my belief it is better to have one monster than 100s,’of course re newed interest in our crusader past,with books,documentaries and films explaining who the Knights Templar were,’now we have IS and hate of muslims in west.

  4. Humans should not have religious books that claim to have the word of God.because;
    1 She(our original creator, the Singularity) can’t, hasn’t, doesn’t and never will speak in human languages.
    2 Anyone suffering from a high fever induced delirium with psychotic delusions including audio and visual hallucinations can claim to have god’s voice in their head, and no one in the past knew about this symptom, so they had to believe it.
    3 People can be scarred into committing worship of these voices in sick mens heads without realizing they are being fooled.
    4 People who have this knowledge can use it as “The GodSpell” to control weak minded uneducated people and turn them into psychotic terrorist/warriors for these fictitious gods.

  5. I liked the previous pope,he told it as it was,he reminded the muslims,that it was they who assaulted the christian world first when he Pope Benidict quoted from a christian byzantine emperor,this attack was long before the crusades,muslims should know about these historical events,also they should be reminded of the battle poitiers,when the great Charles Martel halted their invasion of europe,’of course this does not excuse our current interventions in the turbulent middle east..

  6. If the Pope really wanted to “remind the Muslims” of their wars in the Middle Ages now that we have killed millions of Muslims in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Libya and Syria (and counting), then he truly is an idiot.
    But I don’t think he is an idiot. I think he consciously beat the drums of Islamophobia to please his masters. Did he really mention the battle of Poitiers?!? Then maybe he is not just a NWO agent but also an imbecile.

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