By Richard Edmondson
President Obama announced today that the U.S. is imposing sanctions against the whole world.
The sanctions will apply to all 193 countries and all 7 billion people residing in them.
“The world has failed to live up to the standards set by the international community, and I am today, after careful deliberation, imposing stiff sanctions upon the world,” the president said in a live address from the Oval Office.
Later on, in a press briefing at the State Department, an RT reporter asked how the Obama administration defines “international community,” but got no response, or at least none that made any sense.
An unidentified source from a protest encampment in front of the White House, however–just minutes before the encampment was attacked and smashed to pieces by Capital Police–offered the view that the words “international community” are in reality code for the Israel supporters, Zionists, and Mossad agents who live in a concrete bunker rising partially above ground in the state of Nevada and which was built by casino magnate Sheldon Adelson.
The facility, known as J-Bunker, is believed to be the only location on the planet where Jews can feel truly safe from anti-Semites.
“These sanctions are going to be sweeping and far-reaching,” said Obama. “And we’re targeting every single country from A to Z–from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe.”
He added: “The Congress is united on this as well. We’ve determined to send a clear message to the world that it will not be allowed to defy the will of the American people.”
The president didn’t say so, but it is believed the bill was drafted by the Mossad agents in J-Bunker.
“That’s a reasonable assumption,” said Mort Lipschultz, featured columnist and Fox News pundit. “They’ve been telling the president for a long time that this is the only way you’re going to correct this situation.”
Starting tomorrow, when the sanctions go into effect, people over the world will be prohibited from carrying out transactions or communicating with each other without first obtaining approval from the United States. The ban on communications will apply to written as well as verbal and electronic communications.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said a list naming the countries and individuals included under the sanctions bill has been printed out on a sheet of paper eight miles long.
It is believed plans are underway to store the document at Fort Knox. Sources said this will not pose any problem, that there’s plenty of room at the facility, since all the gold was looted long ago.
Efforts were made to obtain comments on the new sanctions from Vice President Joe Biden, however, a spokesperson at his office said he was busy giving a speech to AIPAC. Immediately after the speech he was scheduled to depart for Israel, the spokesperson said.